Have you ever had a situation where you knew someone wasn’t upset with you, yet your body still reacted with anxiety? Maybe a friend told you they were just tired, but your chest tightened, and you couldn’t shake the feeling that you’d done something wrong. You understood the logic, but the emotional reaction still lingered. Why does this happen, and what can we do about it?
Trauma Responses: More Than Just Logic
When we talk about trauma, we often imagine it as an extreme event like an accident or serious injury, but trauma can be more subtle and complex. It includes the emotional and psychological wounds we accumulate from distressing events or prolonged stress over time, especially from childhood. These experiences shape how our bodies and minds respond to perceived threats or conflict.
Our brain, particularly the limbic system, plays a critical role in how we react to situations. This part of the brain is responsible for survival instincts, emotions, and memory. Even if our rational mind (our prefrontal cortex) understands that we’re safe, our limbic system may still activate a “fight or flight” response, triggering anxiety, panic, or emotional discomfort.
So, while our logical mind knows that someone being tired doesn’t equate to them being upset with us, our trauma response might not get the message.
The Body Keeps the Score
This is where the concept of body memory comes in. Trauma is stored not just in our minds but also in our bodies. Past experiences, especially those linked to feeling unsafe or rejected, can create lasting imprints. When something remotely similar happens in the present—like someone being less responsive than usual—our body reacts as if we’re facing that same rejection or emotional threat again.
It doesn’t matter if you can intellectually explain the situation. Your body has already entered into its protective mode, leading to heightened anxiety, even when it's not necessary.
The Need for Emotional Safety
Anxiety in these moments is a signal from our bodies saying, "I need reassurance; I need safety." Trauma often leaves us feeling emotionally vulnerable, and when we perceive any sign (even if it’s a false alarm) of potential hurt, our defense mechanisms kick in. The reality is, our emotional reactions are deeply embedded patterns that were formed to protect us in the past, even if they don't serve us as well now.
Why We Can’t Always Think Our Way Out of a Trauma Response
One of the common misconceptions about our feelings is that we can simply “think” our way out of them. While cognitive understanding is important, trauma responses are deeply rooted in the body and nervous system, not just the mind. When a traumatic memory or trigger is activated, our brain’s prefrontal cortex—the part responsible for reasoning and logical thinking—takes a backseat, while the limbic system, which controls our fight, flight, or freeze responses, takes over. This is why, in moments of heightened anxiety or fear, rational thoughts often fail to calm us down. Trauma is often stored in implicit memory, meaning it operates outside of conscious awareness. No matter how much we understand why we’re feeling a certain way, our bodies may still react as though the original trauma is happening again. This disconnect between knowing and feeling is why trauma recovery requires more than just cognitive work—it involves engaging the body and retraining the nervous system to respond differently.
Why Knowing Isn’t Enough
Understanding your trauma responses logically is an important step, but it’s not always the cure. Emotional healing goes deeper than knowing why something happens. To truly address these reactions, we need to rewire how our body and nervous system respond to perceived threats.
This is where therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR), and Internal Family Systems (IFS) can help. These approaches not only help people make sense of their reactions but also work to soothe the nervous system and create new, healthier patterns of emotional response.
For instance, CBT can help you gradually expose yourself to situations you have been avoiding until they no longer induce anxiety, while EMDR can reprocess distressing memories that cause those anxiety responses. IFS, on the other hand, explores the parts of ourselves—like the anxious or protective parts—that take over in these situations and helps relieve them of any burdens they no longer need to carry.
What You Can Do
Acknowledge Your Response: When you feel anxious despite knowing there's no immediate reason, start by accepting your emotional response without judgment. This reduces the power that shame or frustration can have over you.
Ground Yourself: Use grounding techniques to bring your focus back to the present moment. Deep breathing, focusing on your surroundings, or using mindfulness exercises can help regulate your nervous system.
Practice Self-Compassion: Remind yourself that this reaction doesn’t make you weak or irrational. Your trauma response is trying to protect you. Be patient with yourself as you work through it.
Seek Support: Therapy can be immensely helpful in understanding and rewiring these responses. Healing isn’t just about knowing why you feel the way you do; it’s about learning how to respond differently.
Conclusion
Understanding your trauma responses is a crucial first step, but it’s just that—a step. True healing requires addressing the emotional and bodily reactions that arise, even when they don’t align with what you logically know to be true. Through compassion, grounding, and therapeutic support, you can learn to soothe your nervous system and live with greater emotional ease.
While knowing why you feel anxious when someone is just tired might not make the anxiety disappear, it is a step toward understanding the complex and intricate ways our bodies and minds interact. Healing these patterns is possible, but it takes time, patience, the right tools, and support.