The Self

In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, the concept of the Self is fundamental. The Self is considered the core of who we truly are—a source of compassion, wisdom, and calm that remains steady, even when the different parts of us are in turmoil. When we connect with our Self, we can lead our inner system toward healing and harmony.

In this blog post, we'll delve into what the Self is in IFS, how it differs from our parts, and how you can experience what is often referred to as "Self energy" in your daily life.

What is the Self?

The Self in IFS is the essence of our true being. Unlike the various parts of us that hold specific roles, fears, and desires, the Self is characterized by qualities such as calmness, curiosity, compassion, confidence, and creativity. It's not a part but rather the natural leader of our internal system—a presence that can guide us toward understanding and healing our parts.

When we're in a state of Self, we can interact with our parts without judgment or fear. The Self is like a compassionate observer, capable of holding space for our pain while also providing the wisdom and strength needed to heal.

How the Self Differs from Parts

To understand the Self better, it's important to distinguish it from the other parts that make up our psyche:

• Parts are aspects of our personality that develop in response to life experiences, especially those involving trauma or stress. These can include Managers (who try to keep us safe and organized), Exiles (who carry our deepest pain), and Firefighters (who act out to protect us from overwhelming emotions).

• The Self is not shaped by experiences. Instead, it's the core of our being that exists independently of our life circumstances. While parts may become reactive or defensive, the Self remains a steady, grounded presence that can soothe and guide these parts.

Experiencing Self Energy

One of the most powerful aspects of IFS therapy is learning to access and embody Self energy. This can happen during therapy sessions, but it can also be cultivated in daily life. Here are some examples of how you might experience Self energy:

1. Calm Amidst Chaos

Imagine you're facing a stressful situation at work—perhaps a project deadline is looming, and your Manager parts are pushing you to work harder, while a Firefighter part is tempting you to procrastinate or escape. Despite the tension, you take a deep breath and notice a calm, centered feeling within you. This is your Self coming forward, helping you to assess the situation with clarity and make decisions that honor both your needs and responsibilities.

In this moment, you're not overwhelmed by anxiety or driven by avoidance; instead, you're grounded in the calm assurance of the Self, which allows you to handle the situation more effectively.

2. Compassionate Self-Talk

Let's say you make a mistake—something as simple as forgetting an important appointment. A critical Manager part might jump in, chastising you for being careless, while an Exile part could trigger feelings of shame. But instead of spiraling into self-criticism, you notice a voice of compassion emerging.

This voice acknowledges the mistake but also offers understanding: "It's okay. Everyone forgets things sometimes. You were doing your best." This gentle, compassionate response is the Self stepping in, offering kindness where your parts might otherwise bring harshness.

3. Curiosity in Conflict

Consider a situation where you're having an argument with a loved one. Your usual response might involve defensiveness or anger, driven by parts that feel attacked or misunderstood. However, if you find yourself pausing and becoming curious about what the other person is feeling or trying to express, you're accessing your Self.

In this state of curiosity, you're not just reacting from a place of hurt or fear. Instead, you're genuinely interested in understanding the other person's perspective and finding a resolution that honors both of you. This curiosity is a hallmark of Self energy, which can transform conflicts into opportunities for deeper connection and understanding.

4. Confidence in Uncertainty

Life often presents us with situations where the outcome is unknown—whether it's starting a new job, moving to a new city, or embarking on a new relationship. These situations can trigger parts that are fearful of failure or rejection. But when you're connected with your Self, you may find an inner confidence that guides you through the uncertainty.

This confidence doesn't come from knowing exactly what will happen, but from trusting in your own ability to navigate whatever comes your way. The Self provides a sense of security that isn't reliant on external circumstances, allowing you to move forward with faith in yourself.

Conclusion

The Self is the heart of who we are—a source of compassion, wisdom, and healing that is always available to us. By learning to access and embody Self energy, we can transform our relationship with our parts and, in turn, with ourselves.

Whether you're navigating stress, healing from trauma, or simply seeking a deeper connection with your true self, IFS offers a pathway to inner harmony. If you're ready to explore this journey, consider reaching out to a therapist trained in IFS who can guide you in discovering and nurturing your Self.

Remember, the more you connect with your Self, the more you can live with the peace, confidence, and compassion that is your birthright.