Low self-esteem, in one form or another, is probably at the core the cast majority of people I work with. It can significantly impact many areas of life, from relationships and careers to physical health and well-being. At its core, low self-esteem stems from deeply held beliefs about oneself, often formed during early experiences. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) provides a useful framework to understand how low self-esteem develops, is maintained, and how it can be addressed.
How Low Self-Esteem Begins
The foundation of low self-esteem typically originates in childhood. Experiences such as excessive criticism, neglect, bullying, or unmet emotional needs shape how individuals view themselves. When these negative experiences accumulate, they lead to the formation of underlying core beliefs about oneself—often negative, rigid, and absolute. For example, someone might internalise beliefs like “I’m unlovable,” “I’m not good enough,” or “I’m a failure.”
These core beliefs become self-perpetuating lenses through which an individual interprets their experiences. New situations or challenges are filtered through these negative beliefs, further reinforcing the idea that they are fundamentally flawed in some way.
The Cycle That Maintains Low Self-Esteem
Once negative core beliefs are established, they influence how a person thinks, feels, and behaves. A common cycle unfolds that keeps low self-esteem in place:
Negative Thoughts: These beliefs give rise to automatic negative thoughts, which often feel instinctual and factual. For instance, after making a mistake at work, someone with low self-esteem might think, “I’m always messing up” or “Everyone is going to think I’m incompetent.” These thoughts arise automatically, based on the core belief that the person is somehow defective.
Emotional Reactions: These negative thoughts lead to difficult emotional states, such as sadness, shame, or anxiety. The individual may feel overwhelmed by these emotions, making it harder to think rationally or challenge their beliefs.
Unhelpful Behaviours: In an attempt to manage these emotions, people often engage in behaviours that inadvertently maintain their low self-esteem. These can include:
Avoidance: Avoiding situations where they feel they might fail or be judged reinforces the belief that they are incapable.
People-pleasing: Constantly seeking validation from others or avoiding conflict reinforces the belief that their worth depends on external approval.
Self-criticism: Excessive self-criticism perpetuates the cycle of negativity, making it difficult for the person to break free from their negative beliefs.
Confirmation of Negative Beliefs: The avoidance, people-pleasing, or self-criticism reinforce the core negative beliefs, creating a vicious cycle. By avoiding challenges or relying on external validation, the person never has the opportunity to disprove their negative core beliefs. In fact, the behaviours often lead to experiences that seem to confirm those beliefs.
Breaking the Cycle of Low Self-Esteem
CBT offers several techniques to help individuals break this self-perpetuating cycle. Here’s how individuals can begin to challenge and change these patterns:
Identifying Negative Core Beliefs: The first step is recognising and bringing awareness to the core beliefs that drive low self-esteem. This involves looking at patterns in automatic thoughts and exploring the origins of these deeply held beliefs. Once identified, these beliefs can be examined more critically.
Cognitive Restructuring: By challenging automatic negative thoughts and questioning their validity, individuals can begin to see situations more realistically. For instance, someone who thinks, “I’m always messing up” can be encouraged to look for evidence that contradicts this thought. This process helps individuals realise that their negative thoughts are not absolute truths.
Behavioural Experiments: CBT also encourages people to engage in behavioural experiments to test their negative beliefs. For example, if someone believes that they are always judged negatively in social situations, they might be encouraged to engage in a social situation and observe the reactions of others objectively. This helps them gather real-world evidence to challenge their negative expectations.
Self-Compassion: A vital component of improving self-esteem is learning to treat oneself with compassion, rather than with harsh self-criticism. Replacing self-judgment with self-kindness enables people to develop a more balanced, less punitive view of themselves.
Gradual Exposure to Challenges: Over time, individuals are encouraged to gradually expose themselves to situations they may have avoided due to fear of failure or judgment. This helps build confidence and demonstrate that their negative core beliefs are not accurate reflections of reality.
Conclusion
Low self-esteem, while often deeply ingrained, can improve. By understanding how it develops and is maintained, individuals can begin to challenge their negative beliefs, change their unhelpful behaviours, and build a healthier, more balanced sense of self-worth. CBT offers a practical and effective way to address the root causes of low self-esteem and provides tools to help individuals break free from the cycle that keeps them feeling inadequate or unworthy. Through this process, they can learn to see themselves in a more realistic, compassionate, and hopeful light.
